YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
