Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
