It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
