so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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