Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
