He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
