happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
