I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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