Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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