Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
