I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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