u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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