I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
