What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
