I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
