Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
