Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
