I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
