And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
