i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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