Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
