Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
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