Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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