I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
