nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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