I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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