I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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