So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
