Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
