Four minutes until I can fart!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.