He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.