im six kinds of drunk right now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.