five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now