i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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