just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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