He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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