Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
