does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
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just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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