youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im six kinds of drunk right now
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
