My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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