6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
