Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
