If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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