Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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