he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
