yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
