o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
They took my balls.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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