I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
