I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
