Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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