we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
