You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
