Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
