i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
