My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
