just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
