Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
