I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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