the condom got lost in my hair
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Gay?
German.
Pity.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
