Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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