Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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