If that was your dad, he is hot
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
